Saturn's Return

Today the opportunity to spend time with extended family presented itself to me, so I took it. We traveled down to Indiana to have dinner, fellowship and attend evening service at the church of another relative.

Church - Let me just take a little detour right now from the main road of this story. I haven't really elaborated much about my spiritual journey besides here & there on Twitter.

Confession time(!!!): I have not been to church in nearly a year now. Initially, my explanation was that I was overwhelmed by school and extensive traveling for work. But eventually, other questions began to enter into my mind which have led me deep into a rabbit's hole, if you will (perhaps in another post I will elaborate on how I got there).

But let me just say that was interesting being back in a church; listening to the ministers' interpretations of the scriptures...hearing the cries of exaltation and exhortation...seeing the cross, and being reminded of the one I had tattooed on my right shoulder blade 2 years ago. With all that I have been reading over the past year regarding history, and science, and spirituality...finding myself back in this place once again. It all was familiar, yet foreign. I was familiar with the worship songs. I did not feel uncomfortable. I felt like an observer. I looked around at the faces of all the people. I saw loving people. Educated people. Wise people. In the back of my mind however I saw and heard the word 'indoctrination'. How could I think of such a word at a moment like this? I think it was my brain's attempt to acknowledge the false dichotomy between Christianity and other forms of spirituality (but that's another story). Nonetheless I intently listened to every word preached with hopes of gleaning a message, because I still believe that every experience has a purpose.

On the drive home I thought that maybe the purpose of this experience was to help me realize how everything has come full circle. I mean everything is coming full circle: even the planets are at or near their original positions when I was born.

So here I am back at the place I once started on my spiritual journey. And in a few months I will find myself back at another place: leaving one decade of this life of mine and entering a new one. As I take the time to reflect on where I've been, I am reminded of the sense of obligation to serve humanity; that life is not all fun & games. Now is the time that I must decide who I want to be, what I want this life to mean, what I want to create, and what I want to leave behind.

From my perspective, life as I once knew it has changed and even greater changes are on the horizon!

Where Eye Be

Okay, I realize that I've been sorely slacking on any bloggage over the last several weeks now. Where have eye (yes, eye) been? Mainly existing in my head, attempting to make sense of the material world surrounding me. A couple of my friends have acknowledged that they too notice a bizarre and tumultuous season that we seem to be living through right now and how difficult it's been to articulate anything in a meaningful way. I've attempted several times to share but the words escaped me. I would say that there are really only two words that best sum up my experience over the last several weeks: death and heartbreak. And when I speak of death, I speak not only of physical death, but death of relationships and death of mental strongholds.

I've learned a lot about myself during this period, which has helped me to learn even more about the nature of people. We are often encouraged to deny feelings that are considered negative, such as anger and sadness. However, it has been my experience that these feelings are not wrong and they are not to be denied, ignored or downplayed. Instead I prefer to view these feelings as indicators or as an opportunity for me to learn more about myself and put some action behind my philosophies.

I will share an example of a recent experience that has left me heartbroken. An acquaintance was in need of financial assistance and I was in a position to help. I offered the help in the form of a loan and the acquaintance breached our agreement. The trust is completely violated in this relationship, and right now I could very easily make this a civil law issue. But while I ponder what course of action I think is best, I acknowledge the feelings of disgust, anger and sadness that penetrated my being as a result of this situation. One early morning while I was doing some reading, the word "forgive" popped out at me. I was stopped in my mental tracks. It hit me right then and there that I must forgive this person for their offence; that I needed let go of the anger and the hatred. People will OFTEN disappoint in life. But forgiveness is part of the practice of love. My mind then took me to thoughts of when I offended others and I needed a break. I once needed someone to forgive and show mercy upon me. Therefore, it is MY choice. I CHOOSE to forgive.

So I'm grateful in this season that I've learned not to deny any of my feelings. I am aware of them all. In fact, I no longer want to term any feeling as positive or negative, right or wrong. They just are. And they all help me to learn more about who I truly am. However, I must be clear that being aware does not mean indulging. To indulge means to lose control, and losing control can be unhealthy. And when I truly think about it, it's far easier for me to recover from a financial loss than it is to recover from universal karma!

I will discuss my lessons from death in another post. I'm really glad to be writing again and sharing my perspective :)

More to come!