Instant Gratification.

It's the addiction behind the addiction...it runs deep, like droplets of water trickling into the soil. Addicted to wanting to be entertained constantly. It's the reason why it's easier for some to listen to a Lil Wayne than a Little Brother...why one would opt for a cheeseburger over a salad...it's why I use a microwave instead of an oven, it's why she wears weave instead of growing her hair, it's why he thinks the goal of sex is purely for the orgasm. Instant Gratification. It's what people are really chasing after at the bottom of the vodka bottle, or the drag of their cigarettes, or the pill that gets popped to numb the "pain"; it's why some linger in the club, why some go to church, why some are fanatical about football or boxing...it's why some are manipulative, and others get bored easily. Instant Gratification. Because somehow "entertainment" became synonymous with "fun" and "happiness" and "freedom", while self awareness has not. Many of us are getting high but we don't recognize our addiction.

Growing up

As I reflect back over the last 12 weeks of this year, I feel like everything I've taken myself through mentally and emotionally has really forced me to grow up. The actions and words of others and other little happenings that have set me off emotionally have caused me to confront hidden insecurities, lack of confidence, caring too much about things that I shouldn't and how much I have lied to myself over a long period of time. It's really interesting how so many people say they hate liars yet fail to account for the lies constantly being told to the self. We tell ourselves that everything's OK when it's really not. We suppress our emotions and the instinctive voice in our head that alert us when things are off balance. We do this because we wanna please other people and we are afraid of rejection. But part of growing up is the development of courage, and to me, a woman is a female who is mature, applies her energy wisely, and brave enough to stop lying to herself.

I turned 29 in March. Before that point, I never considered myself a "woman" but this year has brought a lot of changes. I continue to say this, but my way of thinking about everything has been challenged constantly. What I considered "normal", what I considered "holy", "real", "sinful" or "truth" - the concepts that defined those terms for me have gone out the window. I know that I am growing because I recognize my ability to think about things differently without fear, bias or judgement.

I feel myself growing confident and courageous as the days go by. I remember the days when I was shy/reserved (even more so than now) and very easily intimidated by everyone and everything. I mean, everybody else seemed like they had the world figured out and had their thing together. Looking back now I realize that a lot of people really don't know what the heck they were doing either; they just did a darn better job of making it appear that way! Some people are just better than others at masking their insecurities. For some of us it's a little easier to take action on achieving our purpose for which we live our life. For others of us, we have to work harder at attaining that necessary balance.

It took having my heart broken a few times in the last 12 weeks (not just speaking romantically) for me to realize that I needed to grow a proverbial "pair". After that is when I understood that if I did not practice some self-love through standing up for myself, I was going to be eaten alive by the wolves and sharks of the world. One thing's for sure and two things are for certain: if mama & daddy aren't willing or capable of teaching you how to defend yourself, the world certainly will force you to! Today my saying is "I love ME, no matter what."

I'm satisfied with the progress that I've made. I know that I have a lot of smart work to do in order to be who I want and am supposed to be. So with me writing out this realization today, it marks another milestone in my transition away from girlhood and further into womanhood.

Leaders of the New School

The last two hours of my Sunday evening have carried along at a snail's pace, but I am not complaining. I think maybe it's because my mind has been traversing at lightning speed over several topics, but anyway let me get to the topic at hand:

Well I've been spending a lot less time on Facebook and a lot more time on Twitter, and as the individuals behind those accounts represent a cross-section of the U.S. (and the world for that matter), a lot of information is being shared. But I don't wanna talk about what is being shared I wanna discuss my observation on how this information is being shared.

I'm just noticing how condescending people are when they discuss and share information on subjects they feel strongly about: religion/spirituality, politics, music, race relations, war, economics...the list goes on. There are a number of reasons a person may feel strongly about a particular subject (books, personal experience, etc). I would like to present my theory on why these people are condescending towards others. I think it is because perhaps the so-called "expert" is simply annoyed that person doesn't see the world the way that they do. And then people are labeled "brainwashed" "sheep/sheeple" or some other variants. I see these terms thrown around a lot.

I think these people, "Leaders of the New School" as I like to call them, forget that they once shared the same mindset or train of thinking as the person they are being condescending towards, and at some point in time they experienced a "great awakening" from the way they used to view the world. They go through this phase in which they become angry at the thought of being misled, misinformed, "tricked"; "duped". This anger, this bitterness, is projected every time the subject of "expertise" comes up. It gives the enlightened person the opportunity to display their knowledge and satisfy their ego with the idea that they "know" more than others. They feel more powerful. After all, knowledge IS power. But what's really happening is the perpetuating of a cycle. The so called "enlightened" "expert" was once oppressed by the popular view and now that they separated from it, they use their knowledge to in turn oppress others. It is truly a sad psychological and emotional cycle.

I like this quote by theologian Hosea Ballou: "The oppression of any people for opinions sake has rarely had any other effect than to fix those opinions deeper and render them more important."

When one has been oppressed for so long, after a while one begins to take on the characteristics of his/her oppressor. It's one thing to disagree with another's words, which are a reflection of their position in their life's journey. But to belittle and devalue another person's being and their opinion is not only disrespectful but is hardly an indication of "enlightenment".

Leaders of the new school ought to be careful, lest they be exposed as merely "followers of the old school".

Saturn's Return

Today the opportunity to spend time with extended family presented itself to me, so I took it. We traveled down to Indiana to have dinner, fellowship and attend evening service at the church of another relative.

Church - Let me just take a little detour right now from the main road of this story. I haven't really elaborated much about my spiritual journey besides here & there on Twitter.

Confession time(!!!): I have not been to church in nearly a year now. Initially, my explanation was that I was overwhelmed by school and extensive traveling for work. But eventually, other questions began to enter into my mind which have led me deep into a rabbit's hole, if you will (perhaps in another post I will elaborate on how I got there).

But let me just say that was interesting being back in a church; listening to the ministers' interpretations of the scriptures...hearing the cries of exaltation and exhortation...seeing the cross, and being reminded of the one I had tattooed on my right shoulder blade 2 years ago. With all that I have been reading over the past year regarding history, and science, and spirituality...finding myself back in this place once again. It all was familiar, yet foreign. I was familiar with the worship songs. I did not feel uncomfortable. I felt like an observer. I looked around at the faces of all the people. I saw loving people. Educated people. Wise people. In the back of my mind however I saw and heard the word 'indoctrination'. How could I think of such a word at a moment like this? I think it was my brain's attempt to acknowledge the false dichotomy between Christianity and other forms of spirituality (but that's another story). Nonetheless I intently listened to every word preached with hopes of gleaning a message, because I still believe that every experience has a purpose.

On the drive home I thought that maybe the purpose of this experience was to help me realize how everything has come full circle. I mean everything is coming full circle: even the planets are at or near their original positions when I was born.

So here I am back at the place I once started on my spiritual journey. And in a few months I will find myself back at another place: leaving one decade of this life of mine and entering a new one. As I take the time to reflect on where I've been, I am reminded of the sense of obligation to serve humanity; that life is not all fun & games. Now is the time that I must decide who I want to be, what I want this life to mean, what I want to create, and what I want to leave behind.

From my perspective, life as I once knew it has changed and even greater changes are on the horizon!

Where Eye Be

Okay, I realize that I've been sorely slacking on any bloggage over the last several weeks now. Where have eye (yes, eye) been? Mainly existing in my head, attempting to make sense of the material world surrounding me. A couple of my friends have acknowledged that they too notice a bizarre and tumultuous season that we seem to be living through right now and how difficult it's been to articulate anything in a meaningful way. I've attempted several times to share but the words escaped me. I would say that there are really only two words that best sum up my experience over the last several weeks: death and heartbreak. And when I speak of death, I speak not only of physical death, but death of relationships and death of mental strongholds.

I've learned a lot about myself during this period, which has helped me to learn even more about the nature of people. We are often encouraged to deny feelings that are considered negative, such as anger and sadness. However, it has been my experience that these feelings are not wrong and they are not to be denied, ignored or downplayed. Instead I prefer to view these feelings as indicators or as an opportunity for me to learn more about myself and put some action behind my philosophies.

I will share an example of a recent experience that has left me heartbroken. An acquaintance was in need of financial assistance and I was in a position to help. I offered the help in the form of a loan and the acquaintance breached our agreement. The trust is completely violated in this relationship, and right now I could very easily make this a civil law issue. But while I ponder what course of action I think is best, I acknowledge the feelings of disgust, anger and sadness that penetrated my being as a result of this situation. One early morning while I was doing some reading, the word "forgive" popped out at me. I was stopped in my mental tracks. It hit me right then and there that I must forgive this person for their offence; that I needed let go of the anger and the hatred. People will OFTEN disappoint in life. But forgiveness is part of the practice of love. My mind then took me to thoughts of when I offended others and I needed a break. I once needed someone to forgive and show mercy upon me. Therefore, it is MY choice. I CHOOSE to forgive.

So I'm grateful in this season that I've learned not to deny any of my feelings. I am aware of them all. In fact, I no longer want to term any feeling as positive or negative, right or wrong. They just are. And they all help me to learn more about who I truly am. However, I must be clear that being aware does not mean indulging. To indulge means to lose control, and losing control can be unhealthy. And when I truly think about it, it's far easier for me to recover from a financial loss than it is to recover from universal karma!

I will discuss my lessons from death in another post. I'm really glad to be writing again and sharing my perspective :)

More to come!

Cocoa (song)

Oh Cocoa baby

Why do you do this to me every time?

Swore I'd never do this again

I must like this feeling

You got my stomach all in knots

My tongue needing to be wet

Afraid to say what you make my heart do

The last time I surely did forget

Oh, cocoa baby

You got me up tonight I can't sleep

No matter what I do

I can't get no peace

I promise I'm done with you

You make it hard to breathe air

Circulation makin my extremities cold

Shoulda thought of that before U touched my lips

Why you so damn bold?

Oh, cocoa baby

I'm through with you

Gotta find a substitute

No more sleepless nights

Trippin over, after you

I must admit it's so hard to let you go

But babe you're too much for me

I wrote this song in 15 minutes....would you had ever guessed that this song is about....

COFFEE??? LOL!!!

Life (Emotions)

I'm tired of the rat race; the paper chase

Am I selfish for the thought of not wanting to be here?

Unable to overcome my fears?

Too afraid because I have to find a reason to keep on going

I'm running out and the signs are showing

My mind playing tricks on me, this life is an illusion

To exit quickly or slowly is the only conclusion

I draw, like from a deck of cards I must choose

A reality to pursue, either way I lose

Some days it feels like Hell on Earth

Perhaps I'm dead and already there, for what it's worth

The only thing that is keeping me connected to this world

are my feelings.

If I didn't have them then I could truly be free.

Cause life is a trip and this part of the ride I don't seem to enjoy.

Because I'm amazed and horrified by the things I see.

Mirror

When you gon' realize I'm mirroring you?

Whatever you do to me I'm doin back to you

Nonchalant with me? I'm nonchalant too

Actin like you got a major attitude

You ain't trustin me? I ain't trustin you

Just who you think you judgin boo?

Your vision is cloudy, you need a better view

Take that beam out ya eye so you can see the truth

I work real hard but you say you don't got the proof

But in the not too distant past I used to be ya muse

Had you amused

Never abused, you

Or your time, but mine you don't mind wastin

Claim you ready for the bottle but to me you test tastin

So my mind and heart won't hasten

Lest on you I get ta hatin

Evil thoughts my mind be chasin

So you ain't even worth waitin

For,

In the meantime I'm out the door

Hope your skies I haven't left too blue,

But what you did to me I'm doin back to you...

Defining and Refining Love

I had an interesting conversation with someone over the weekend about men and women in communication and the pursuit of romantic relationships. The conversation was interesting but the insight that came afterward was even more important. If there is anything that I could speak to the next young person with regard to love, I would say 1) focus on yourself and preparing for the love you wish to receive and 2) don't take life so personally. And when I say focus on yourself, I don't mean being self-centered or egotistical. I am talking about controlling your emotional, mental and physical reaction to those outside of yourself, because you cannot control the action of others, but you CAN control you.

For quite some time I have been grappling with my thoughts and emotion toward the importance of romantic relationships in my life. As a woman, I've been taught to want after romantic love - the stuff played out in the media. But through having different experiences, I have come to realize that romantic love is not real, or at least it is not all that there is to love. I've made the mistake of limiting relationships with people in my life to only certain expressions of love (and lust). I believe this is mainly due to the fact that, for me, love was never properly defined.

Love is not just simply an action or an emotion. Love IS a BEing. Love includes both consideration and action, and it is a required daily practice. I really like the definition of love that author Bell Hooks quotes in her book All About Love, which is borrowed from M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled (1978): love is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth" (Hooks 4).

When I use to think about why my past relationships failed, of course I was very biased, placing the blame on the other party. Placing negative judgement on my memories caused me a lot of frustration, anger and sadness. Especially in U.S. society many of us, men and women, haven't had positive reinforcement of what real love is...what real love looks like and how real love is supposed to feel. It is only through realizing this have I been able to begin the practice of forgiveness and not take what I went through so personally.

Now, with love being clearly defined, I can humbly and honestly see how I contributed to past relationship failure. I was being reactive and not proactive. I was not being proactive about who I chose to be involved with romantically. I was "falling in love" not consciously choosing to love. I did not communicate my expectations and goals clearly. I just let things happen, and with that, I allowed a few precious years of my life slip away being tied up in unfruitful romance. That is the harsh reality of it from my perspective. But the story does not have to end that way.

It's easy to take things personally. It's easy to slip into the mentality that says all men are dogs; that all men lie, cheat, and especially for me as a black woman, the mentality that says "there are no good black men." I know that is not true. Not only must I practice forgiveness of others, but I must forgive myself because I also realize it's just as easy to slip into the mindset that suggests "there must be something wrong with me because I am not in or can't maintain a relationship." I also refuse to buy into the hype that I, as a black woman, am the least desired or that nobody wants to love a black woman. I know that is not true either.

Learning about the love that I've always wanted is what's helping me prepare to receive it. Although my heart grows occasionally weary, I will not give up on love. I will keep my heart and hands open to receive all that this life has to offer. I will practice honest communication, humility and forgiveness. Love isn't for the weak; the soft; the faint-hearted. Love is for the STRONG!

Hooks, Bell. All About Love. Harper Perennial, 2000.

The Sexist's 'N' Word

WARNING: CONTAINS "ADULT" LANGUAGE


I recognize the hypocrite in me.

Allowed myself to use the word "bitch" because I thought I was grown.

I thought it was cute.

It'd make me appear sassy. Spicy. Don't fuck with me.

But "bitch" has stripped me of the very thing I had longed to become;

The very thing that was robbed of me

When I was young and the boys used to tease me.

"Bitch" stripped me of my femininity; my womanliness.

So why was I using this word to perpetuate the same upon the next queen?

Because I was ignorant.

I will not use that word to describe the next human female,

Even if she chooses to dress provocatively

Or behaves out of character with what I associate the word "woman" with.

Calling another female a "bitch", a "whore", or a "slut"

It becomes more than just a word

When the intent behind the word is meant to rob her of her womanliness.

If I say I love humankind, my words will be loving,

Contributing toward uplifting women of all walks of life,

Even to their highest potential.

Bringing it to the Table

...a nice home...good credit...money in the bank
acceptance of who you are & not living in the past...
those are great
the reality IS, those can be found elsewhere...
hard to find, but nonetheless can be found,
and that individual is still replaceable
(after all, the competition for resources IS just a game,
and many people are playing)
But the moments created between two people...
sharing who they are, not what they have
achieving unconditional love
(a perpetual acceptance of who they presently are
as opposed to a desiring for them to be something they are not)
These things require emotional maturity...and trust...and respect...
and everything mentioned in I Corinthians 13:4-8

Are you bringing those to the table???
If two people can say to each other
"I can't create a moment like this with anyone else"
THAT'S when you know you've really got something on the table

Edible Purpose

I recall a trip I made to the grocery store at the beginning of summer in which I bought a loaf of bread. At that time I was on this little campaign to be more economical in my eating and spending habits. It was that multi-grain bread, you know the kind with the seeds in the crust so I figured it was pretty healthy. Well, unfortunately I had allowed the loaf to sit untouched for a couple of days and the edges began to get mildly hard. I decided to take a couple of slices with me to work for breakfast so that it wouldn't turn into a complete science project.

well this is...bread

(photo by indivisualist )

I mulled over it a couple more days while the bread continued to lay in a sandwich bag on my desk. It really wasn't my first choice of food, but out of guilt I refused to throw it away because it was still some good. I thought to myself how I much rather preferred something tastier like a donut or a brownie. I felt an obligation to eat this bread and not be wasteful. I told myself "be creative!" So I warmed it in an attempt to soften it back up...even grabbed some strawberry cream cheese to spread on top to make it more edible.

As I sat in my seat and ate the first few bites, some of the most profound thoughts came to me. I thought about people in other parts of the world, who would have killed to have the food I had in my hand at that moment, even if they had found it in the trash. I thought about the purpose of food; how it is to supply me life hence the saying "you eat to live, not live to eat." As I continued to meditate on these thoughts I found myself eating much more deliberately; with purpose in every bite I savored that bread. I could have easily thrown it away without a second thought because I knew I could afford to go buy whatever type of food that I really wanted (and besides, cream cheese on top of anything but a bagel to me was just... weird). But I was grateful to have those two pieces of bread. I imagined feeling the bread supply me with life energy.

Although my fledgling food campaign is on its last leg of life and I may not ever buy another loaf of birdseed crusted bread again, the experience taught me to not take what I have for granted; to be grateful, to be appreciative. And to remember that the purpose of food shouldn't just be for the taste.

Why Ask Why?

I used to play the why game as a kid. If my mother made a statement or a command such as "I want you to eat those greens off that plate" my response was "why?" This continued on until finally she got to "because I said so!"

I would make an effort to eat those greens just as long as mommy was standing there. As long as I knew she was hovering behind me, I felt I didn't have an option (well, at least not one that I would prefer to face anyway).

Somewhere along the journey of life, I stopped questioning "why." I think many of us have. We do things, simply because someone else said so. Have you ever stopped to think about why you do the things that you do...the thoughts that you formulate and focus on in your mind...the associations and assumptions that you make, the biases that you hold and the conclusions that you come to? why?

Have you ever thought about how the terms happiness and love have been defined in your life? What about the terms of friendship, and other relationships (familial, romantic and business)? Have YOU defined these terms, or has someone or something else defined them FOR you? Why?

We grow up, and proclaim to be intelligent, capable adults. There is a reality that demonstrates that while we may not have anyone literally hovering behind us, we still carry out the conditioning of doing what someone else has told us to do, simply because they said so, instead of questioning why things have to be done that way and trusting ourselves to make the best decision for ourselves.

The point of this post is to encourage mindful living; to rejuvenate the spirit of curiosity you once held as a child of questioning "why?" Questioning why as an adult has taken me out of the lane of the mundane and into the lane of the extraordinary, because now I am empowered to be that intelligent, capable being inside and out.

Genesis