It can get extremely frustrating living in a society of people who make assumptions about you because you are quiet. A lot of people have misconceptions about me.
I am introverted. I am not shy. I thought I was, because it's a label constantly thrown on me. They are not the same. Being around people does not intimidate me. I see right through to the insecurity of lots of loud people all the time.
1) People assume quiet people don't like to talk. Not true. I just don't like to talk excessively about nothingness. And ESPECIALLY over the phone (Dear GOD not the phone). A few of my friends assume I don't love (or like) them because I don't call them. Please don't do this. To be honest I hate the phone. But I love YOU (I really do). And I love talking in person to you. You can text me though. As an introvert I think texting is one of the greatest inventions of all time.
But back to nothingness. I just find small talk to be boring. I'm not really a "chit chat" chick. I understand the need for it, I mean everybody can't be deep all the time and neither am I, but I just feel like if I don't have anything interesting or productive to say, I'd rather not talk at all. I think before I speak. I do a lot more thinking (and daydreaming. And fantasizing, LOL) than speaking. I don't always find it necessary to share my opinion or fill every gap of silence with idle noise. I like the phrase "If somebody's talking, somebody's lying."
2) People assume that quiet people are not outgoing. I like to go out. LOL. I just don't need to go out as much as extroverted people do. I've done a lot of things. With a lot of people. I just don't talk about them *wink*
3) People assume I am weak or timid because I am quiet. I'm very FAR from it. How about I just don't prefer to engage low minded people. More power to you if you have the energy for that. I DON'T.
4) I am not weird. I am not anti-social. I am not mean. I am not lonely or sad or depressed (although folks' ignorance can cause this). I am not a little mouse in need of a mother hen. I just don't require lots of people time. And noise. And busybodies <--- (these people need to be shipped to Pluto).
5) I find that spending time with myself is more energizing and stimulating than spending time in the presence of people. I read & research things, I write out my thoughts & ideas, I work out, I listen to music..those things alone provide just enough mental & emotional stimulation to keep me preoccupied for hours. How does anyone get the time to feel bored?? I previously never understood people who constantly say that, but perhaps introversion/extroversion plays a role.
The reality is, the world is bias toward extroverted people. The world values the traits of being aggressive, loud & talkative and high energy. That is equated with success and happiness. Introverted people are forced to fake it to fit in; they are mistakenly (and annoyingly) labeled as shy, told to "loosen up" and "come out of their shell"; they are treated like something is wrong with them or "less than" because they aren't constantly making noise and seeking attention from other people. Well I'm speaking out about it, so to speak (LOL)! No seriously, the bias is overrated, predictable and quite old. Quiet people do not need to be ashamed for being who they are. The world needs more people like us :)
A good interview about introverts: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-power-of-introverts
Excellent myth busting article about introverts: http://http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
The Real Reason Why I'm Single
It took me quite a while to figure this out. First I must say, I never thought in a million years that I’d be 31 and single with no kids. If you had gone back to 2000 and told the 18 year old me that this is where I’d be in 2013, I would have vehemently rejected the reality. I just KNEW I was gonna be married to some dude named Brandon (not a real dude, just always adored that name) with four kids (two boys and two girls) living in a large ass house with a wrap around porch in the suburbs somewhere. Yeah.
Anyway, I’m no different than any other youngin. I’ve had my fair share of dating & relationship experience and the ups & downs that come with it. As the years rolled by, first the excuse was that I couldn’t find a good guy. Let me just be candid; I’ve dated some, shall we say, “offbeat” men. One friend even referred to me as a “scavenger”…as I seemed to pick through what’s left over in the men pile (really!). Either he wasn’t physically or mentally or financially fit, or we didn’t share the same religious beliefs…really a bunch of superficial stuff.
Before I knew it, I’d turned into this intense serial dater and the melodramatic cycle I experienced went something like this: meet guy; complete and overt infatuation consumes entire thought process; guy does something to utterly burst bubble (i.e. reality sets in); spend weeks recovering from the high. What I was really doing was chasing the high of the newness. I needed that excitement that newness brought to make me feel alive. After the newness wore off and reality kicked in (burst bubble) I became disappointed or bored, only to traipse off further into the field of daises to encounter my nextvictim object of affection. How immature right?
Hindsight is always 20/20. Truth be told, I was always the one running away when things got too real. I accused my men of being emotionally unavailable, yet it was I, too, who was unavailable after a certain point and didn’t realize it; mistaking the passion of sexual relations for deep emotional connection and commitment. And sometimes I ran because I wanted to “reject him before he rejects me.” It took a couple of times of actually being rejected and allowing myself to feel the sting of it before I made myself take a break and really think about why I kept repeating this cycle. Why was I single? Why did I want a relationship so bad? Being alone with myself, I realized I was seeking to prove my worth to the world through a relationship. I wanted a man to make me feel like I was worth something; to make me feel ALIVE. I wanted this more than the relationship itself. Because deep down inside, regardless of being told how brilliant or beautiful I was, regardless of the smile on my face and the “I’m fine, things are great” response I gave folks when they asked how I was, on a subconscious level I felt worthless. It had not occurred to me that I could engage myself in other areas of life to build my confidence and realize my worth as a human first and as a woman second. It should be a common sense thing, and we hear and read about it all the time, but sometimes it takes personally getting through a painful experience to fully understand.
Relationships are beautiful when they’re built by the right people. I think there are limitations though, and I’m mindful of that now. Relationships with others are built from the outside, and I no longer agree that your sense of self worth can be found there. That’s the limit. It can only come from within, where there are no limits.
I should stop saying I’m single and say that I’m in a relationship with myself. I am taking time to fully know me and what it feels like to understand that I don’t have to prove my worth to anyone!
Anyway, I’m no different than any other youngin. I’ve had my fair share of dating & relationship experience and the ups & downs that come with it. As the years rolled by, first the excuse was that I couldn’t find a good guy. Let me just be candid; I’ve dated some, shall we say, “offbeat” men. One friend even referred to me as a “scavenger”…as I seemed to pick through what’s left over in the men pile (really!). Either he wasn’t physically or mentally or financially fit, or we didn’t share the same religious beliefs…really a bunch of superficial stuff.
Before I knew it, I’d turned into this intense serial dater and the melodramatic cycle I experienced went something like this: meet guy; complete and overt infatuation consumes entire thought process; guy does something to utterly burst bubble (i.e. reality sets in); spend weeks recovering from the high. What I was really doing was chasing the high of the newness. I needed that excitement that newness brought to make me feel alive. After the newness wore off and reality kicked in (burst bubble) I became disappointed or bored, only to traipse off further into the field of daises to encounter my next
Hindsight is always 20/20. Truth be told, I was always the one running away when things got too real. I accused my men of being emotionally unavailable, yet it was I, too, who was unavailable after a certain point and didn’t realize it; mistaking the passion of sexual relations for deep emotional connection and commitment. And sometimes I ran because I wanted to “reject him before he rejects me.” It took a couple of times of actually being rejected and allowing myself to feel the sting of it before I made myself take a break and really think about why I kept repeating this cycle. Why was I single? Why did I want a relationship so bad? Being alone with myself, I realized I was seeking to prove my worth to the world through a relationship. I wanted a man to make me feel like I was worth something; to make me feel ALIVE. I wanted this more than the relationship itself. Because deep down inside, regardless of being told how brilliant or beautiful I was, regardless of the smile on my face and the “I’m fine, things are great” response I gave folks when they asked how I was, on a subconscious level I felt worthless. It had not occurred to me that I could engage myself in other areas of life to build my confidence and realize my worth as a human first and as a woman second. It should be a common sense thing, and we hear and read about it all the time, but sometimes it takes personally getting through a painful experience to fully understand.
Relationships are beautiful when they’re built by the right people. I think there are limitations though, and I’m mindful of that now. Relationships with others are built from the outside, and I no longer agree that your sense of self worth can be found there. That’s the limit. It can only come from within, where there are no limits.
I should stop saying I’m single and say that I’m in a relationship with myself. I am taking time to fully know me and what it feels like to understand that I don’t have to prove my worth to anyone!
Acknowledgement
Learning to let go of proving my worth
Not impressed with being so-called “intelligent” over average minds,
because most times I am a walking talking mashup
of previously spoken words, ideas, and thoughts.
I’m everywhere.
And other times, I’m original and brilliant.
Sometimes, I lack social grace. I’m graceful enough to acknowledge that
I don’t know it all or have life all figured out.
I’m mature enough to realize that I no longer have to pretend like I do.
Acknowledgement doesn’t equal acceptance, but
It puts me a step closer to where I want to be, which is closer to me
Not impressed with being so-called “intelligent” over average minds,
because most times I am a walking talking mashup
of previously spoken words, ideas, and thoughts.
I’m everywhere.
And other times, I’m original and brilliant.
Sometimes, I lack social grace. I’m graceful enough to acknowledge that
I don’t know it all or have life all figured out.
I’m mature enough to realize that I no longer have to pretend like I do.
Acknowledgement doesn’t equal acceptance, but
It puts me a step closer to where I want to be, which is closer to me
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