Instant Gratification.

It's the addiction behind the addiction...it runs deep, like droplets of water trickling into the soil. Addicted to wanting to be entertained constantly. It's the reason why it's easier for some to listen to a Lil Wayne than a Little Brother...why one would opt for a cheeseburger over a salad...it's why I use a microwave instead of an oven, it's why she wears weave instead of growing her hair, it's why he thinks the goal of sex is purely for the orgasm. Instant Gratification. It's what people are really chasing after at the bottom of the vodka bottle, or the drag of their cigarettes, or the pill that gets popped to numb the "pain"; it's why some linger in the club, why some go to church, why some are fanatical about football or boxing...it's why some are manipulative, and others get bored easily. Instant Gratification. Because somehow "entertainment" became synonymous with "fun" and "happiness" and "freedom", while self awareness has not. Many of us are getting high but we don't recognize our addiction.

Growing up

As I reflect back over the last 12 weeks of this year, I feel like everything I've taken myself through mentally and emotionally has really forced me to grow up. The actions and words of others and other little happenings that have set me off emotionally have caused me to confront hidden insecurities, lack of confidence, caring too much about things that I shouldn't and how much I have lied to myself over a long period of time. It's really interesting how so many people say they hate liars yet fail to account for the lies constantly being told to the self. We tell ourselves that everything's OK when it's really not. We suppress our emotions and the instinctive voice in our head that alert us when things are off balance. We do this because we wanna please other people and we are afraid of rejection. But part of growing up is the development of courage, and to me, a woman is a female who is mature, applies her energy wisely, and brave enough to stop lying to herself.

I turned 29 in March. Before that point, I never considered myself a "woman" but this year has brought a lot of changes. I continue to say this, but my way of thinking about everything has been challenged constantly. What I considered "normal", what I considered "holy", "real", "sinful" or "truth" - the concepts that defined those terms for me have gone out the window. I know that I am growing because I recognize my ability to think about things differently without fear, bias or judgement.

I feel myself growing confident and courageous as the days go by. I remember the days when I was shy/reserved (even more so than now) and very easily intimidated by everyone and everything. I mean, everybody else seemed like they had the world figured out and had their thing together. Looking back now I realize that a lot of people really don't know what the heck they were doing either; they just did a darn better job of making it appear that way! Some people are just better than others at masking their insecurities. For some of us it's a little easier to take action on achieving our purpose for which we live our life. For others of us, we have to work harder at attaining that necessary balance.

It took having my heart broken a few times in the last 12 weeks (not just speaking romantically) for me to realize that I needed to grow a proverbial "pair". After that is when I understood that if I did not practice some self-love through standing up for myself, I was going to be eaten alive by the wolves and sharks of the world. One thing's for sure and two things are for certain: if mama & daddy aren't willing or capable of teaching you how to defend yourself, the world certainly will force you to! Today my saying is "I love ME, no matter what."

I'm satisfied with the progress that I've made. I know that I have a lot of smart work to do in order to be who I want and am supposed to be. So with me writing out this realization today, it marks another milestone in my transition away from girlhood and further into womanhood.