Friends vs Frenemys

I felt compelled to jot down my thoughts about this topic really quick after reading an online article in Essence magazine entitled "5 Ways To Your Best Year: Friend Wisely" by Coach Felicia (Dec 07, 2012).

I've always longed for the bond that comes with sisterhood, having a best friend that I can trust. I felt robbed of that opportunity because I didn't grow up with my older sisters. I grew up with two younger brothers. And dealing with the cattiness of some girls in school, although I had what I would call casual acquaintances I never got over the trauma of being bullied, enough to really be confident and expressive. Holding on to the pain of my trauma isolated me from establishing a true bond with other girls, and women as I grew older.

Why is having friends even important? Because you can refute it all day long, but outside of family (and sometimes despite your family) having true friends help you grow and survive. No "scientific evidence" is needed to conclude that! We have so many cliche sayings and songs written about friendship gone bad, but really they are talking about frenemys. Frenemys give true friends a bad name and overshadow the benefit that come with having a true friend in your life.

It's tough navigating the waters of the world not knowing who is truly your friend or who is a frenemy. Sometimes when you long for companionship or having another there who halfway shows an interest in understanding you, you are willing to accept almost any form of acquaintance. In other words, throughout my 20s it left me being associated with women (and men) who really did not have my best interest at heart. They didn't care whether I succeeded or not, because they were too self-absorbed with getting their own brand of happiness (or discussing the lack thereof) and "success" which included putting others down. Just another distraction to keep them from dealing with their own emotional pain, insecurities, jealousies and frustrations!!!

When I was a little girl, I was taught that if you want everyone to like you and be your friend, you have to "be nice" and "play nice." Some of us learned early on that, while well intended, this is not how the majority of the world operate. Well, I was not part of that "some of us." I had to learn the hard way; I've had to confront the hurt that results from the revelation that who I thought was a friend, who I thought was "for" me, in fact, was not. This was all in spite of my niceties.

Unlike the days of my girlhood, I don't desire to have lots of friends (really frenemies in disguise). What I DO desire is authentic relationships where I can celebrate others and they genuinely desire to celebrate me in return; relationships in which we inspire and challenge each other to be the best versions of ourselves as possible.