Defining and Refining Love

I had an interesting conversation with someone over the weekend about men and women in communication and the pursuit of romantic relationships. The conversation was interesting but the insight that came afterward was even more important. If there is anything that I could speak to the next young person with regard to love, I would say 1) focus on yourself and preparing for the love you wish to receive and 2) don't take life so personally. And when I say focus on yourself, I don't mean being self-centered or egotistical. I am talking about controlling your emotional, mental and physical reaction to those outside of yourself, because you cannot control the action of others, but you CAN control you.

For quite some time I have been grappling with my thoughts and emotion toward the importance of romantic relationships in my life. As a woman, I've been taught to want after romantic love - the stuff played out in the media. But through having different experiences, I have come to realize that romantic love is not real, or at least it is not all that there is to love. I've made the mistake of limiting relationships with people in my life to only certain expressions of love (and lust). I believe this is mainly due to the fact that, for me, love was never properly defined.

Love is not just simply an action or an emotion. Love IS a BEing. Love includes both consideration and action, and it is a required daily practice. I really like the definition of love that author Bell Hooks quotes in her book All About Love, which is borrowed from M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled (1978): love is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth" (Hooks 4).

When I use to think about why my past relationships failed, of course I was very biased, placing the blame on the other party. Placing negative judgement on my memories caused me a lot of frustration, anger and sadness. Especially in U.S. society many of us, men and women, haven't had positive reinforcement of what real love is...what real love looks like and how real love is supposed to feel. It is only through realizing this have I been able to begin the practice of forgiveness and not take what I went through so personally.

Now, with love being clearly defined, I can humbly and honestly see how I contributed to past relationship failure. I was being reactive and not proactive. I was not being proactive about who I chose to be involved with romantically. I was "falling in love" not consciously choosing to love. I did not communicate my expectations and goals clearly. I just let things happen, and with that, I allowed a few precious years of my life slip away being tied up in unfruitful romance. That is the harsh reality of it from my perspective. But the story does not have to end that way.

It's easy to take things personally. It's easy to slip into the mentality that says all men are dogs; that all men lie, cheat, and especially for me as a black woman, the mentality that says "there are no good black men." I know that is not true. Not only must I practice forgiveness of others, but I must forgive myself because I also realize it's just as easy to slip into the mindset that suggests "there must be something wrong with me because I am not in or can't maintain a relationship." I also refuse to buy into the hype that I, as a black woman, am the least desired or that nobody wants to love a black woman. I know that is not true either.

Learning about the love that I've always wanted is what's helping me prepare to receive it. Although my heart grows occasionally weary, I will not give up on love. I will keep my heart and hands open to receive all that this life has to offer. I will practice honest communication, humility and forgiveness. Love isn't for the weak; the soft; the faint-hearted. Love is for the STRONG!

Hooks, Bell. All About Love. Harper Perennial, 2000.