Defining and Refining Love

I had an interesting conversation with someone over the weekend about men and women in communication and the pursuit of romantic relationships. The conversation was interesting but the insight that came afterward was even more important. If there is anything that I could speak to the next young person with regard to love, I would say 1) focus on yourself and preparing for the love you wish to receive and 2) don't take life so personally. And when I say focus on yourself, I don't mean being self-centered or egotistical. I am talking about controlling your emotional, mental and physical reaction to those outside of yourself, because you cannot control the action of others, but you CAN control you.

For quite some time I have been grappling with my thoughts and emotion toward the importance of romantic relationships in my life. As a woman, I've been taught to want after romantic love - the stuff played out in the media. But through having different experiences, I have come to realize that romantic love is not real, or at least it is not all that there is to love. I've made the mistake of limiting relationships with people in my life to only certain expressions of love (and lust). I believe this is mainly due to the fact that, for me, love was never properly defined.

Love is not just simply an action or an emotion. Love IS a BEing. Love includes both consideration and action, and it is a required daily practice. I really like the definition of love that author Bell Hooks quotes in her book All About Love, which is borrowed from M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled (1978): love is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth" (Hooks 4).

When I use to think about why my past relationships failed, of course I was very biased, placing the blame on the other party. Placing negative judgement on my memories caused me a lot of frustration, anger and sadness. Especially in U.S. society many of us, men and women, haven't had positive reinforcement of what real love is...what real love looks like and how real love is supposed to feel. It is only through realizing this have I been able to begin the practice of forgiveness and not take what I went through so personally.

Now, with love being clearly defined, I can humbly and honestly see how I contributed to past relationship failure. I was being reactive and not proactive. I was not being proactive about who I chose to be involved with romantically. I was "falling in love" not consciously choosing to love. I did not communicate my expectations and goals clearly. I just let things happen, and with that, I allowed a few precious years of my life slip away being tied up in unfruitful romance. That is the harsh reality of it from my perspective. But the story does not have to end that way.

It's easy to take things personally. It's easy to slip into the mentality that says all men are dogs; that all men lie, cheat, and especially for me as a black woman, the mentality that says "there are no good black men." I know that is not true. Not only must I practice forgiveness of others, but I must forgive myself because I also realize it's just as easy to slip into the mindset that suggests "there must be something wrong with me because I am not in or can't maintain a relationship." I also refuse to buy into the hype that I, as a black woman, am the least desired or that nobody wants to love a black woman. I know that is not true either.

Learning about the love that I've always wanted is what's helping me prepare to receive it. Although my heart grows occasionally weary, I will not give up on love. I will keep my heart and hands open to receive all that this life has to offer. I will practice honest communication, humility and forgiveness. Love isn't for the weak; the soft; the faint-hearted. Love is for the STRONG!

Hooks, Bell. All About Love. Harper Perennial, 2000.

The Sexist's 'N' Word

WARNING: CONTAINS "ADULT" LANGUAGE


I recognize the hypocrite in me.

Allowed myself to use the word "bitch" because I thought I was grown.

I thought it was cute.

It'd make me appear sassy. Spicy. Don't fuck with me.

But "bitch" has stripped me of the very thing I had longed to become;

The very thing that was robbed of me

When I was young and the boys used to tease me.

"Bitch" stripped me of my femininity; my womanliness.

So why was I using this word to perpetuate the same upon the next queen?

Because I was ignorant.

I will not use that word to describe the next human female,

Even if she chooses to dress provocatively

Or behaves out of character with what I associate the word "woman" with.

Calling another female a "bitch", a "whore", or a "slut"

It becomes more than just a word

When the intent behind the word is meant to rob her of her womanliness.

If I say I love humankind, my words will be loving,

Contributing toward uplifting women of all walks of life,

Even to their highest potential.

Bringing it to the Table

...a nice home...good credit...money in the bank
acceptance of who you are & not living in the past...
those are great
the reality IS, those can be found elsewhere...
hard to find, but nonetheless can be found,
and that individual is still replaceable
(after all, the competition for resources IS just a game,
and many people are playing)
But the moments created between two people...
sharing who they are, not what they have
achieving unconditional love
(a perpetual acceptance of who they presently are
as opposed to a desiring for them to be something they are not)
These things require emotional maturity...and trust...and respect...
and everything mentioned in I Corinthians 13:4-8

Are you bringing those to the table???
If two people can say to each other
"I can't create a moment like this with anyone else"
THAT'S when you know you've really got something on the table

Edible Purpose

I recall a trip I made to the grocery store at the beginning of summer in which I bought a loaf of bread. At that time I was on this little campaign to be more economical in my eating and spending habits. It was that multi-grain bread, you know the kind with the seeds in the crust so I figured it was pretty healthy. Well, unfortunately I had allowed the loaf to sit untouched for a couple of days and the edges began to get mildly hard. I decided to take a couple of slices with me to work for breakfast so that it wouldn't turn into a complete science project.

well this is...bread

(photo by indivisualist )

I mulled over it a couple more days while the bread continued to lay in a sandwich bag on my desk. It really wasn't my first choice of food, but out of guilt I refused to throw it away because it was still some good. I thought to myself how I much rather preferred something tastier like a donut or a brownie. I felt an obligation to eat this bread and not be wasteful. I told myself "be creative!" So I warmed it in an attempt to soften it back up...even grabbed some strawberry cream cheese to spread on top to make it more edible.

As I sat in my seat and ate the first few bites, some of the most profound thoughts came to me. I thought about people in other parts of the world, who would have killed to have the food I had in my hand at that moment, even if they had found it in the trash. I thought about the purpose of food; how it is to supply me life hence the saying "you eat to live, not live to eat." As I continued to meditate on these thoughts I found myself eating much more deliberately; with purpose in every bite I savored that bread. I could have easily thrown it away without a second thought because I knew I could afford to go buy whatever type of food that I really wanted (and besides, cream cheese on top of anything but a bagel to me was just... weird). But I was grateful to have those two pieces of bread. I imagined feeling the bread supply me with life energy.

Although my fledgling food campaign is on its last leg of life and I may not ever buy another loaf of birdseed crusted bread again, the experience taught me to not take what I have for granted; to be grateful, to be appreciative. And to remember that the purpose of food shouldn't just be for the taste.

Why Ask Why?

I used to play the why game as a kid. If my mother made a statement or a command such as "I want you to eat those greens off that plate" my response was "why?" This continued on until finally she got to "because I said so!"

I would make an effort to eat those greens just as long as mommy was standing there. As long as I knew she was hovering behind me, I felt I didn't have an option (well, at least not one that I would prefer to face anyway).

Somewhere along the journey of life, I stopped questioning "why." I think many of us have. We do things, simply because someone else said so. Have you ever stopped to think about why you do the things that you do...the thoughts that you formulate and focus on in your mind...the associations and assumptions that you make, the biases that you hold and the conclusions that you come to? why?

Have you ever thought about how the terms happiness and love have been defined in your life? What about the terms of friendship, and other relationships (familial, romantic and business)? Have YOU defined these terms, or has someone or something else defined them FOR you? Why?

We grow up, and proclaim to be intelligent, capable adults. There is a reality that demonstrates that while we may not have anyone literally hovering behind us, we still carry out the conditioning of doing what someone else has told us to do, simply because they said so, instead of questioning why things have to be done that way and trusting ourselves to make the best decision for ourselves.

The point of this post is to encourage mindful living; to rejuvenate the spirit of curiosity you once held as a child of questioning "why?" Questioning why as an adult has taken me out of the lane of the mundane and into the lane of the extraordinary, because now I am empowered to be that intelligent, capable being inside and out.

Genesis